One on side stands the heir apparent to the Titty Hardest throne – the dancing pastor, His Holiness Horald, Supreme Eminence Xu (more popularly known by his moniker, HHH-SEX). The radical break-dance evangelism of Pastor Xu has long played second fiddle to the mainstream appeal of Titty Hardests’ traditional song-and-dance routine. However, Xu’s popularity received a strong boost with the advent of hip hop-influenced electro music, and his remix album (which featured hits such as “I’m Holy and I Know It” and “(Don’t Let Satan) Take Over Control”) went double-platinum within days of its release.
HHH-SEX at a live sermon, accompanied by his musical director and occasional (dance) partner Gloria Mancapangalo Man
On the other side is his former lieutenant, healing pastor Holy Inspiration Chupachupa Ko Yin-Yang (widely known as HICKY). Pastor Ko started a splinter faction following an acrimonious split with Pastor Xu over a widely-publicized scandal involving sexual healing malpractice.
Above: HHH-SEX and HICKY in better times – living the high life in newly-opened club NIMK.
Left: The thirty-man-strong scandal that brokeback the camel. [Names and suggestive terms censored for younger readers.]
Tensions between Pastors Xu and Ko were high given the circumstances of the split, but have since escalated into the most intense rivalry in the history of Singaporean religion as both sides clash for the lion’s share of the churchgoer pie. The rival factions have even gone so far as to ascribe similar titles to themselves and their followers, triggering dozens of vocal spats where churchgoers publicly challenge each other to “tonight TBP 1030 I see you there, who don’t come who go to hell”. To mitigate the rising costs of patrolling Tiong Bahru Plaza despite the fact that nobody ever shows up at 1030pm, local police have thus provided the following set of definitions:
“The teachings of Pastor Xu are officially recognized as his works on Charity, Evangelism, Kinship and Neo-philosophy – the Power of Xu (CHEKIN POX), and the attendees of Pastor Xu’s church (the Cult of Xu a.k.a. COX) are, naturally, the Followers under Xu (FUX). To the untrained eye, this is almost the same as the system applied by the Church of Chupachupa Ko (COCK), whose followers (Flock of Chupachupa Ko a.k.a. FOCK) are believers in the Preachings of Chupachupa Ko on Knowledge and Integrity (POCK KAI).”
Local police hope the above will prove useful in preventing further outbursts as well as complaints filed by irate passers-by over misconceptions that churchgoers are publicly soliciting for homosexual acts and the conduct of other Chinese New Year taboos. As described by several sources, some of the stranger-sounding slurs traded have included:
“MY COCK IS BIGGER THAN YOURS!”
“WE PASS YOU CHEKIN POX THEN YOU KNOW, YOU FUX!”
“POCK KAI FOR EVERYBODY!”
"CHEKIN POX FOR FUX!"
“JOIN OUR COMMUNION OF COX FOR SUNDAY EVENING WORSHIP!”
Who will turn out the victor in this vicious war? Which Pastor will rule the pulpit once the dust settles on the streets of rage? Expect more updates from the Straight Times in the days to come! In the meantime, our Straight Times reporting team wishes all its readers, 身材暴炸！